Only God Knows Why


Specific Karma’s Gonna Get-cha

I couldn’t shake the feeling, as the freezer door slammed into my butt, further smooshing my face into the frozen peas, that this week has just been about getting what I deserve.

I had just taken a short trip to the supermarket to get frozen vegetables when I realised the world was unkind to the below average of height and unshod. 

Balancing precariously on the bottom ledge of the freezer in order to reach the top shelf, my heretically naked feet slipped away from beneath me, catapulting me gently into the artically preserved produce in front of me.  The door, with supermarket satisfaction, slammed shut, thinking it’s duty to keep food from escaping was being foiled, and spanked me gently into the frozen peas.

I think that when a situation reaches a certain point on the scale of ridiculousness, you reach perfect clarity.   Your mind doesn’t really see this kind of rock bottom coming.   Being too spent to even bother lifting my forehead off a rapidly defrosting (now not so very-) frozen pizza,  I contemplated how I had just had my heart-broken (by a man I had seen once – hey, I’m allowed to get attached for no reason!) and couldn’t make head nor tail of it.  Now, with my elbow gently resting against the lean cuisine lasagna, I realised that I was being punished for the ghosts of relationships past.

While I had spent most of the week in satisfied self-pity, thinking that I had always been a good girl and had not deserved this display of telephonic ignoring that constituted a post-one date breakup, my dive into the dairy section clarified things for me.

1.  John Lennon was wrong.  Karma is not instant, it takes it’s time in order to be very, very specific.

I should be buying fresh vegetables, and actually eating properly.  For this oversight, I had nearly literally had to become what I ate: a forced merge with the frozen vegetables.

2.  I had done nearly exactly what this guy had done to me, to someone else, only months before and conveniently ignored that in the summing up of my “good life.”  Fortunately for me, I had not wound up being able to break anybody’s heart, only because the quick action of the break-ee realising that I’m not worth it.

Once safely ensconced by my general humanist views, volunteer work and general policy of being kind to the elderly, animals and other people, I realised that all this did not count. 

I was not being beat over the head by old ladies’ purses, I wasn’t being mauled on the street by random dogs appearing from nowhere, people weren’t popping out between pot plants to shout “Hey Fatty!”  because I had all those bases covered.  Unfortunately, as I was sliding into third base of ‘loving thy neighbour’, I had left home plate: “Not being a jerk to people who have the hots for you,” completely uncovered.  Karma isn’t just going to go around punishing you willy-nilly, it would punish your nilly for being willy.  Get it? 

Specific Karma – it’s coming for you.  People are always saying karma’s a bitch, but it seems like she’s only a bitch if you are.

So now am I not only coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been “let go”  by a guy I actually like, I have to also realise that I had it coming for being  kind of a bitch.

I fucking hate Safeway.

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