Only God Knows Why

The Man Upstairs (An Abridged Biography)
May 5, 2010, 1:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I would like to use this internet forum to present an ode to the man who lives above me. A man who is characterised mainly by the auditory delights that he visits upon those who choose to inhabit the blessed place below him.  Like any true deity, we have uttered many oaths in your name.  Songs have been sung in your name (The Black Eyed Peas “Shut Up” comes to mind).  I would like to present just a small offering amongst many, a few chapters of a biography dedicated to you.  Now that you have taught me how useful being awake in the middle of the night is, I dedicate my 1am insomnia to creating an everlasting document of your life.

The Man Upstairs (An Abridged Biography)

Chapter 1:  You go the bathroom a lot in the middle of the night. 

(Subtitle:  Have you considered getting your prostate checked?)

Chapter 2:  I’m pretty certain that you’re seeing two women at once. 

(Subtitle:  Or your one girlfriend is phoning in a lot of ransom calls in her spare time.)

Chapter 3:  Is that weird tapping noise that keeps me awake actually being caused by you?

(Subtitle:  Late night framing or are YOU being framed?)

Chapter 4:  Why don’t you ever seem to leave the house?

(Subtitle:  Bad Acne Problem?)

Chapter 5:  You seem to move big racks of glasses around a lot.  Do you find you’re spending a lot of money on broken crockery?

(Subtitle:  Are you opening a speakeasy?  Are you aware prohibition has ceased?  (See Chapter 4: Leaving the house  more often and 101 other fun activities for the noisy))

Chapter 6:  The off button and the volume control knob:  Two of the most underrated buttons on the television remote.

(Subtitle:  If ASIO ever needs to do a profile of your television habits, I’m going to be able to help them out.  And that’s just bad news for you, if anything.)

Well, that’s it for now.  But be assured that there will be more.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

bahahhaha! another masterpiece!


Comment by Laura

Ha, very good.


Comment by awindram

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