Only God Knows Why


My Father’s Dating Advice
July 20, 2010, 6:18 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

As most of you will know, I haven’t been in a serous relationship for about 5 years.  I’ve been pretty happy just having fun and travelling.   So in that time, I have obviously dated a few people and had a few ‘crushes’ (love that word).  My father and I get on like a very jovial house on fire, quite happily burning away, so here is some of the best advice my father has given me over the years when it comes to dating and rejection. 

1.   “He’s an asshat.”

In fact, my father refers to every guy I ever talk about as “the asshat.”

eg.  “How’s the asshat?”  “Is that the asshat?”  “Oh god, we’re not having the asshat over for dinner, are we?”

2.  Dad:  Maybe he fell down a crevasse.

Me:  No, I think I would have heard about it if he’d fallen down a crevasse.

Dad:  Maybe just a well then.

3. 

Dad:  You’re convicting him before you even know what happened!  Isn’t it innocent until proven guilty?!

Me:  I’m employing the inquisitorial system!

Dad: (Under his breath, eyeing me suspiciously) Indonesian!

4.

Well, he probably didn’t think that you were asking him out, he probably just thought you were a loser with nobody else to hang out with.

5.

Maybe he’s with a prostitute and can’t get away.  (Terrified look) Poor bastard.

6.

Dad: Maybe he fell into the Jenolan Caves looking for his hat.

Me:  How did you know about the hat?

Dad: That’s how the bloke found them, climbed down to look for his hat.

Me:  Oh no, I thought you knew about this guy’s hat.  He has this stupid hat that I hate.

Dad: Oh.

Me: (shakes fist) DAMN THAT STUPID HAT! GOD, I HATE IT!

Dad: I think he probably heard what you were thinking about his hat, and got really hurt feelings.  Nobody wants a girlfriend who doesn’t like their hat.

7.

Dad: Maybe you should ask him out then.

Me: God, no.  I don’t do that anymore.  I’m a total babe, he knows where to find me.

Dad:  That’s the spirit! (muttering) Idiot.

8.

Dad:  Maybe you should ask him out.

Me: Ugh…nah…

Dad:  It’s easy! All you have to do is ride in there and say (Adopts toughguy voice)  ‘Listen, Asshat!  Do you want to go out with me or not?! It’s your loss not mine and there’s plenty more men like you!’

9.

Dad:  Just drop a few hints!  Tell him that you’ve got nothing to do on the weekend.  Tell him your girlfriends have abandoned you.

Me:  Well, that ought to make me look popular.

10.

Dad:  Maybe his leg is broken, and he couldn’t come see you.

Me:  …Yeah.

Dad:  Nah, that can’t be it.  He’d still have one good leg.  He could have hopped in.

Me:  Maybe both legs?

Dad: Army crawl.

11.

Try not to worry about it, he might just be handcuffed and in prison.  That, or he’s met someone else better than you.

12.

Dad: He’s an asshat.

Me:  Noooo….he seems like a really nice guy.

Dad:  Ah, that’s the game of the asshat!  You wouldn’t like them if they just started off being arses.  So they have the hat to cover it up.  And then off comes the hat!  And you’re just left with –

Me: Ass.

Dad:  That’s right.  Ass.

13.

Maybe he’s from the past and had to go back there but didn’t have time to tell you.

14.

Me:  Well, I rang him and his friend answered and said he was in the bathroom.

Dad:  Do you really want a guy who’s so bad at peeing he has to give his phone to his friends when he goes to the bathroom, just in case?

Me:  Well, I don’t really think that he’d really gone to the bathroom.  I –

Dad:  Uh, uh, uh. 

Me:  No, no.  You’ve got a point there.

15.

He’s probably a realistic robot that is unable to feel emotion.

16.

Me: Well, which one should I go out with?

Dad:  Whichever one asks you out first!

Me:  Really?

Dad:  Yes…(scheming voice) Or…you could ring up the second one and say ‘This other bloke has asked me out, but I’d rather go out with you.”

Me:  So I should go out with the SECOND one?

Dad:  Oh no, you could keep that going on for days.

17.

Me:  Which one should I go out with?

Dad:  Whoever you like best.

Me:  But he might not ask me out!

Dad:  Well, neither of them might ask you out.

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6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Haha, oh Rodney, always full of so much wisdom. I particularly like Nos. 4, 5, 11 and 13

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Comment by Leah

I like 8! haha

“LISTEN ASSHAT!”

ahaha

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Comment by ivegottamove

ahahaha amazing

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Comment by Bryanna

Pure hilarity! Your dad is a funny dude!

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Comment by Kerry

Yeah, he’s pretty hilarious

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Comment by ivegottamove

9 & 10 = pure gold!!

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Comment by heidi




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