Only God Knows Why

Culinary Infidelity
August 5, 2010, 10:34 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Subway Glenferrie Road,

                             This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write.   I don’t want to tell you this, but I feel like our relationship can’t continue with this secret between us.   It’s been growing inside me for some time: the cold, hard lump of shame.  I feel dirty and guilty every time I’m inside you.   The automatic doors close behind me with a knowing swish every time I enter your fluorescent heaven.  We can’t go on together with suspicious minds.  God, I don’t know how to say this.  I’ve eaten at another Subway.  I’m so, so sorry.

I know that we’ve had a special relationship.  You weren’t my first Subway —  (I went to Thomastown Subway once as a child.  I know you don’t want to hear that.  I was out with my mother buying a new fridge and I saw it shining before me like an invincible beacon of youth in the shimmering heat of the day.  It was something new, something I’d never tried before.  It called to me with the voice of new experiences, adventure, youth.  It was beautiful.   I wanted freedom.  I wanted a sandwich!  God,  I was so young!  I didn’t know what I was doing!  It was awkward and uncomfortable and I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.  The salad was all wrong and I felt responsible.  I only had a six inch and at the end of I was left unsatisfied – wanting more.  Not at all what it’s been like with you, Glenferrie Road Subway.)  — but you were the best.  I hadn’t been with another Subway since I met you.  I see them around all the time, but nothing has ever happened.  I’ve never even been tempted.  Until now.

You deserve all the details.  It happened last Saturday morning.  I know you thought I’d gone for a guitar lesson, and I want you to know I wasn’t lying about that, it happened on the way.  I’d been out drinking the night before and I was feeling seedy and hungry, I could barely grip the steering wheel for appetitious desire. 

I was just satisfying a physical need!  Nothing more.  It didn’t mean anything.  Not like it does with you, Glenferrie Road Subway.  They didn’t know how to tessellate the cheese so that there’s no unneccessary cheese overlap while leaving space uncheesed, like you do.  I didn’t have Subway Sam to make my sandwich exactly as I like it —

Oh god, Subway Sam.  This is going to kill him.  I don’t know how he’s going to take it if our relationship doesn’t continue.  He’d never understand.  Please don’t let this hurt our Sandwich Artist.

I just want you to know that it was awful.  I had a bacon and egg sandwich and it was greasy and horrible.  Afterwards I felt queasy and full of regret. 

This is so difficult.  Oh god.  I guess I just have to tell you.  It was Lower Plenty Subway.  Please don’t blame her, it was all my fault.  It’s not that she’s got anything you don’t have.  You were just so far away!   It was just the distance. I needed something to keep me going right then, and you weren’t there.  Not that I’m blaming you.  This is all my fault.

But I didn’t get what I wanted, and I just wished that I was with you the whole time.  It was meaningless, dirty and not at all satisfying.  I didn’t even order the extra avocado or pineapple – that’s something that’s still between us.

I hope you can forgive me.  Please – think of Subway Sam…think of the pineapple.  I just wanted a sandwich that day, but with you it’s so much more.  Sometimes I get smoothies. 

I can’t say anything else but that I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.

Regretfully yours,



3 Comments so far
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omg vicki
only you could write a story like that to truly make my day wonderful.


Comment by Bryanna

Great article, thanks for sharing this. I have subscribed to your RSS feed and am looking forward to reading more from you.
Keep up the good work and don’t stop posting please.


Comment by the Success Ladder

HAHAHAHAHA! I can’t believe I missed this! Lucky I have your blog on my bloglines, so I never miss a post 😛


Comment by Kerry

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