Only God Knows Why


Sayings I Like
December 28, 2010, 10:55 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

Unmitigated disaster:  This was a complete and utter screw-up.  At no point in the entire thing did we accidentally snatch any sort of unexpected benefit or lesson from this complete turd of a situation.  We started out by fucking up,  in the middle we continued along by fucking up and at the end, well, it was just one complete fuck up.

I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about:  What you just said was the perfect murder.  We, the comprehension police, are at the scene of the crime, and there’s not even a hair left here for us to begin an investigation of what you might have fucking meant.  You got in, murdered the English language, and frolicked away – scott free.   Not a spec of your original meaning remains.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea:   This sounds like a much better dilemma than most of the ones that it’s used to describe.  Choose the sea, idiot.  Fuck.  You can learn to swim, you probably can’t learn to Devil.

The cheese stands alone:  I may be alone on this one, but that’s okay – because cheese is a food you can eat by itself.  Sure, I have a weirdo opinion, but at least I’m not a dry saltine, waiting for the excitement of a piece of cheese to get someone to think about consuming me.  Pick up a toothpick and eat me, I’m done.  Fuck you all, crackers. YOU need ME!

You look tired:  You look like crap, but that would be a nasty thing to say.

I’m not really sure: I am completely certain, but I can’t be bothered explaining or I’d like to avoid a fight.

As much use as a handbrake on a canoe:     Apparently means the same thing as “You’re about as useful as a chocolate kettle to me,” which is hilarious.   The only problem I have with this saying is that a handbrake would be really fucking useful on a canoe!  Can you imagine if you were like “Oh, this rapid is moving so quickly, I’d really like to stop and slam down a Solo.” (Cross promotion opportunity?) and then just popped on your handbrake?  In fact, this saying almost perfectly sums me up, and that’s the reason why I love it:  I’m fantastic, if you can figure out how to make me work.  But otherwise, almost completely useless.

Like trying to herd a pack of kittens:  Why is it a great idea to put your ducks in a row, but you get laughed at for trying to herd your kittens?  Fuck off, ornithologists, you judgemental bastards.

You totally lucked out: Accused of being overly vague.  Is it for situations when something good happens or something bad?  You say vague, I say versatile.  It’s always appropriate to say!  You’re okay by me.

Sticky Wicket: Completely misused. Absolutely fantastic luck, less likely to fall if the ball hits it.  Or I accidentally hit it with my own bat.

It’s a dogs life : Again completely misused.  A life of leisure.  So long as you don’t bite the hand that feeds you apparently.

Barking up the wrong tree:  I don’t really have a beef with this saying, except that it makes me think “WOOF WOOF! …..  ah, fuck!”  but I did read the most entertaining explanation in an English colloquialisms textbook:   “The police are barking up the wrong tree if they think Johnny stole the car.  He can’t drive!”  Well police, that is an unmitigated disaster, you guys don’t have a clue.

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