Only God Knows Why


Corporate Restructuring

As  a kindergarten teacher, I’m frequently asked to make the professional personal:  How would you like YOUR own child to develop, what would you hope that your own child would learn at kindergarten, how would you protect these children from danger if they were your own.

 

“So….what you’re saying is…DON’T use real lava in the paper mache volcano?”

So lately I’ve been daydreaming a lot (not while watching the kids, I swear!) about how I would treat the personal if it were professional.  Basically, how would I restructure my life is it were a company.

Firstly, I’d severely reprimand the CEO for mismanagement of funds and strip her of her responsibilities as CFO.  These responsibilities would be handed over to someone who had several vicious Alsatians and an aversion to someone singing ‘Come on Eileen’ as a negotiation tactic.

 

I usually stop if they’re not convinced by the kickline, but sometimes I’ve gotten so into it I’ve forgotten why I started.

 

The CEO would also be reprimanded for seeing this as a valid negotiation tactic.

You spent HOW MUCH on novelty hair ties?

 

So while upper management is receiving strict retraining (not dissimilar to Cesar Milan’s click dog training)

Okay, okay!  I promise no more using my credit card while intoxicated, just take off the leash!

 

Long suffering middle management would receive bonuses and a retroactive pay increase for years of supporting what can only be described as the CEOs ‘schemes’ and emotional outbursts.

 

 

The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to save money by not replacing the car where you have to get in and out by climbing through the boot.

 

Some sort of holiday benefits or ADO would have to be implemented.  Overtime would be disallowed.

IT in particular would be rewarded for going over and above by teaching the CEO to use microwaves, stoves, VCRs, DVD players and taking the blame for upper management’s user errors.

They would also be allowed to retire after being kept on forced tenure for many years.

I would write a witty related caption here, but since I let IT go, I really don’t get this.

 

 

The position of Managing Director would remain vacant until someone with the skill equal to or greater than middle management was found.  To this end,
HR would be rewarded for it’s excellent middle management hiring practices and savagely rebuked for frequently contravening company policy in hiring new Managing Directors.

“I don’t CARE if he says Catch 22 is one of his favourite books too, he is not suitable.”

 

A slap dash morally ambiguous marketing team would be called in to reinvent the company’s image and enact a big coverup campaign of the CEOs past mistakes the likes of which could have gotten Watergate to blow over.

“Okay, so, hear me out on this one:  how about a ‘Scamper’ speech?’

 

 

Waste management would be left alone to do their thing, because nobody should mess with that shit.

Internet department would also be left as is, given that the internet is being used frequently and therefore I can only guess that they are doing their job.

Relocation close to one of the parent companies would be considered for the purposes of resource sharing, and the company would be asked to permanently select one country as a home base for it’s operations.

The Panda Acquisition Scheme team would be immediately disbanded.

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